


Growing pains

by Dansel13



Series: Behind Blue Eyes [1]
Category: South Park
Genre: Angst, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, My First Fanfic, Other, Pls don't kill me, bad language, don't know why I added that, it's South Park, kenny's are blue, kyle's eyes are green
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-07-15
Packaged: 2019-05-27 02:18:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15014486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dansel13/pseuds/Dansel13
Summary: One day, while messing around with their friends usual, Kenny notices that there's something wrong with Kyle and as things escalate, he discovers more than he ever could have imagined.Basically they're all going through shit while at the smae time growing upsorry I suck at summaries and spelling but I'm trying - also this'll be shit because I haven't watched South Park in a while





	1. Shadows

"Ah of course, because  _Cartman_ 's so much better."

"S _hut up hippy!"_ Kenny smiled as his friends continued to argue and joke around him. They'd been at this for what seemed like hours, continuously sniping at eachother and talking about everything from girls to aliens. They had decided to meet up at Stark's pond with Craig, Token and Butters, but they'd long since left after the bottles of alcohol had emptied. Now it was just the four of them again, sitting by freezing water as the sun began to set in the distance.

"Nah but seriously, remember that time when he and Heidi were going out in elementary?" Stan suddenly asked, a mischevious grin spreading across his face.

"Oh yeah! And everytime she'd try to break it off he'd go calling her, saying how he couldn't live without her and that he'd kill himself if she left him!" they burst into laughter as Cartman scowled and cursed at them.

"Shut up you fucking Jew! No one remembers that shit anyway!"

"well... _we_ do." Stan suddenly shot back, defending his SBF (Super Best Friend), while smirking. Cartman continued to scowl and grumble while the rest of them laughed at the memories.

Well, most of them laughed.

But as Kenny turned to look at Kyle, instead of seeing a huge grin similar to the one on his best friend's face like he was expecting, he was met by something very different.

His friend's usually bright, bursting with life green eyes were almost no where to be seen.

It was almost as if all the life had been sucked out of them and they were just dark balls of glass staring into nothingness.

It was a look he'd seen all too often - and one he'd hoped to have never seen on one of his closest friends' faces.

Kenny's stomach hit the floor as he gulped and tried to turn away. 

But when he looked back again, the look was practically gone and Kyle was straight back to laughing and joking, making fun of Cartman.

"Kenny! Oi  _kenny_!" his attention was snapped straight back to his friends' conversation as Stan waved his hand infront of his eyes.

"Huh? what?" 

 Cartman sniggered while Stan just rolled his eyes and shook his head, smiling.

"I just was saying that it was getting late and Kyle wants to go home before his mom  _literally explodes_ , but Cartman wants to go light cow shit on fire. It's your choice, what do we do?"

"Uhhhh..." usually Kenny sort of just blended into the background and let the others make the decisions. When he  _was_ asked, he was always completely hopeless at making his mind up.

"Oh forget it, let's just go already, you fags are lame." and with that Cartman had stood up and had started off on his way home. 

The three remaining boys exchanged quick glances before chasing after their "friend".

 

*  *  *

 

_There!_

There was that look again.

The one that he had seen that night at Stark's pond.

It was as if a Shadow had just engulfed his friend's face, taking control of all feeling and emotion.

But, no, it couldn't be.

Not to _Kyle_.

Kyle was smart, he had a good, stable, loving family. Right? 

Kenny's eyes skimmed over his friend's features, before settling on the huge bags under his eyes.

There was something up, but what if there wasn't?

What if he was just overreacting? And there was actually nothing wrong with the eldest Broflovski child. 

He sighed internally as he turned his attention back to their other friends.

It wasn't any of his business anyway. He wouldn't want to impose or anything.

No.

The best thing to do for the time being was probably just stick to the background and observe quietly.

That was what he usually did best anyway.

He looked at the others round the table.

Wendy was sitting next to Stan, while leaning across the table to argue with Cartman about something or other. Craig was flipping off Token while Tweek was asleep (for once) on his lap. Butters was nervously tugging on Cartman's sleeve while he ranted back at Wendy and Stan about whatever it was this time they were arguing about. Bebe and the other girls were pojnting and cooing at Tweek and Craig while Clyde laughed at some new joke of Jimmy's. 

Everything seemed normal enough.

No, the only abnormal thing was that empty look on Kyle's face.

It made Kenny anxious, even scared.

He could see something troubling and desolate in his friend's eyes. But he was too scared of being wrong to ask.

What if he was right, but never asked about it and Kyle ended up thinking no one cared and did something stupid. But on the other hand, what if he was wrong and he just ended up making himself look like a paranoid, iver dramatic arehole.

These thoughts continued to swirl around Kenny's head right up until the bell went when his thoughts were interrupted by the stampede of kids moving in and out of the corridors.

As he stood up to make his way to class, he took one last look at his friend's face just to check if he was being delusional or reasonable for once.

No.

There was no mistaking those huge dark circles and that distant empty look Kyle's face.

Definitely not all was right in his friend's mind or life.

Something was keeping him up at night and dragging him away  from everyone else.

And he had to find out what...

He couldn't let any of his friends suffer alone.


	2. Questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which questions are asked...and then answered...

The sound of the school bell cut through the empty hallways. It signalled the end of the day and for hundreds of kids to file into the corridors in a hurry to grab their stuff and get out the school as soon as possible.

But not for Kenny

No, today he was going to try and find out what may or may not have been troubling a certain Kyle Broflovski.

They had decided to go to Stark's pond again as none of them really had the heart to do homework after hours of tests and exams so all he had to do was get Kyle alone and ask him if anything was wrong.

"Man, I swear they're _trying_ to trip us up! Did you see question 8b? When the heck did we learn  _that_?" Stan complained while tearing his locker open.

"Yeah I get what you mean." Kyle said while smiling tiredly at his friend.

"Come on Pussies let's just  _go_ already, quit complaining like little girls and hurry the  _fuck_ up." Kenny sighed while the two super best friends just rolled their eyes; Cartman hadn't changed really that much at all in the last few years. 

_Why do we even hang out with that guy sometimes?_

One look at the others could tell him straight away he wasn't the only one questioning their relationship with the asshole. 

_Whatever_

They could reconsider their relationship with Cartman another time, for now, Kenny just wanted to see if his hunch was correct, or completely wrong.

 

* * * * * * *

The cold breeze whipped around his head, causing his blond hair to blow slightly in the wind as he turned to listen to his friends.

"-What? Like fatass here?"

"Shut your fuckin' face you fuckin' Jew!"

Kenny laughed along with his friends as they made of eachother and their other friends. Things seemed pretty normal.

_Well, as 'normal' can get in South Park_

Kenny half expected a freaking merman or something to leap out the icy water and ask for help with his girlfriend or something equally ridiculous.

"Come on Cartman, you know you haven't had a girlfriend since like fourth grade."

"That's more than I bet  _kahl's_ had!" The boy in question just rolled his eyes and muttered something about him at least being  _asked_  

"Yeah, it's just 'cause  _he_ keeps turning them down, unlike a certain someone *cough* *cough*."

"Shut up, bitches just down know good quality when they see it." it took almost all of Kenny's self-control not to burst out laughing. Despite the fact that he'd been beaten up by  _Wendy_ in fourth grade, the larger boy had gotten much much better at throwing his weight around in a fight. Now, he was almost unbeatable.  _Almost._

" _suuuuure_ , whatever you say Cartman, whatever you say." Kyle replied smugly, turning away to look out across glass-like pond.

Stan smirked while Cartman fumed for a few more minutes before realising defeat. He then sat there and pouted, while the rest of them carried on laughing and joking.

It was only when he noticed the familiar faded, orange glow on the water, did Kenny realise how late it was. He should probably be getting home.

So far Kyle had seemed like his old, cheerful self, so he'd probably just been being delusional about it. 

_Yeah, probably just my imagination, Kyle'd tell us wouldn't he? I mean maybe not me or Cartman, but definitely Stan or just_  someone _._

But as he stood up to leave, he was surprised to have his thoughts interrupted by none other than the red-headed Broflovski saying he also needed to go.

As they headed out of the park together, Kenny couldn't help but sneak a glance at his friend's face. 

Everything seemed normal - wait!- no, there was something else there. Maybe his earlier suspiscions weren't just him being over-protective, or paranoid. 

His whole life he'd been seeing that look, he knew what it meant, he wasn't stupid enough not to recognise it.

Despite his quiet attitude and appearance, Kenny wasn't blind to these things, he could usually tell.

He was just too afraid of being wrong...

...or even right...

...to -

"Kenny, can I ask you a question?" stunned by the sudden interruption of his thoughts, it took him a few moments to realise what his friend was asking.

"Uhhh yeah sure."

"Have you ever gotten high before?" well... _that_ was a surprise.

"ummm dude, I'm  _Kenny_ , you know, the kid that goes around sniffing paint and shit."

"Yeah I know but seriously, like with proper drugs you know." What was with all this talk about getting high suddenly?

"Nah, I try to keep away from all of that."

"Oh..." Kenny took one look at his friend's crestfallen face and swallowed.

_What the hell's wrong with him? Did something happen at_ home?

"Wait, maybe if you tell me why you wanna know I might be able to help." he suggested nervously looking at the other boy's sad eyes.

"I don't know...I was just wondering what it was like..." Kenny swallowed again, he knew first hand how much bad news drug addictions were, he'd been sent away to a foster home because of them for Christ's sake!

"Kyle..." he bit his lip as his friend turned to look at him, confusion mixing with the sadness.

"...yeah?" he swallowed again (*he was doing a lot of that this evening*) 

"A-are you doing alright...?" Kyle stopped and stared into his eyes before looking down at his shoes and sighing.

"No, not really..." Kenny stayed quiet, giving his friend space to talk. "...I mean...today I was really out of it, I was on four times my anxiety medication today and my legs were  _still_ shaking..."  _wait, Kyle had anxiety?_ "Lately I've just felt so - so - so  _empty_ , you know, and I just..." the boy sighed and looked up at the orange and pink sky, "I just want something to make it go away - a distarction -  _something,_ I don't know..."

He clenched his teeth as the red-head just sighed again and sunk down next to a wall. He then looked at his friend for a moment, before sitting down next to him, staying quiet just in case Kyle wanted to talk again.

"I just want it to go away." Kenny was pained by how choked and sad his friend's last sentence was. I would have made him almost want to cry. But he didn't cry. He never cried.

They stayed like that for a while, with him trying to figure out what to say and Kyle just wallowing in his unsaid emotions. 

_Crap...what - what do I do?_

He looked at his friend's expression and felt pained too. 

"Maybe..." he chewed his lip nervously, "maybe the only way to make it go away is to find out what's causing it..." Kenny looked up, blue eyes meeting green ones. "Maybe if you talk to Stan, or your parents, or Ike or even me about it...you...might be able to figure out what's making you feel this way..." now it was his turn to sigh and look up at the sky. "Sometimes, there's just too much pain for your brain to cope with...so it just shuts off all feeling to try and stop it, to try and stop the pain...and the only way to get back to how you were, is to find a way to deal with the pain..." 

He looked to his friend again, but only found an unreadable expression on his face. 

Panic suddenly flooded through him. Had he said something wrong? Was Kyle mad? Was he upset? Had he been insensitive?

"K-Kyle I'm sorry, I didn't m-mean-" his apologies were suddenly interrupted by a laugh and a hand on his shoulder.

"No no, don't apologise," his friend chuckled and stood up, "you never did anything wrong, thanks Kenny..." 

Kenny swallowed as Kyle extended a hand out towards him.

"P-promise you'll talk to us right?" his voice was small and nervous as he looked towards his friend. The red head sighed and stared out across the snow-covered streets.

"I'll try." the boy said and carried on through the empty town.

_That'll be enough..._

Kenny smiled tiredly and followed his friend.

 


	3. Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes knowing others are in pain hurts too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you to anyone who reads and supports this load of crap!  
>  It really means a lot to me so thank you so much!

Kenny shivered and sighed as rain continued to lash his brittle, grimy window. Outside the storm was still raging on, and had shown no signs of stopping. He sighed again and wrapped the paper-thin blanket more tightly around himself as he stared at his phone screen.

Over the last few weeks, Kyle had been slowly opening up to them about his past and problems during long vent sessions. So far he'd only spoken about how his grandma had taken care of him and Ike during grades 5-7 when their mom was really sick. He'd also briefly touched on his brother's new found bad habits and his fathers issue with cheesing and drugs. 

It really hurt Kenny to know how his friend was suffering and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

But there was no way on Earth he'd ever let Kyle know that. 

Thunder crashed and seemed to shake the battered house to its very foundations. The teen gulped and curled further in on himself. He could hear the wind howling and part of him was scared that it would tear the shit-hole clean from the ground - like in the three little pigs or the wizard of oz, those stories he used to read to Karen to get her to sleep at night. 

The only form of distraction he had was the glow of his phone screen as he scrolled nervously through his messages. He knew that using his phone during an electrical storm probably wasn't the best idea, but for once he was willing to chance it. After all, he'd probably just end up coming back again, wouldn't he? 

He was suddenly torn from his chain of thought by the familar sound of notifications telling him he had an unread text.

It was from no other than Kyle Brofloivski himself.

Kenny swallowed as he opened it up, anxiety picking up like the storm on the other side of his flimsy house's walls. In the last few days, Kyle had usually messaged him to vent about his problems or to ask for advice. Kenny was hopeless at thinking of solutions for both. 

He didn't know how to make his friend's problems go away, nor did he know how to stop people from destroying themselves. 

He'd been trying for years...

**< recieved> H** **ey**

**< sent> Hey**

**< sent> U alright?**

**< recieved> Meh...**

Kenny stared at the last message and swallowed. He knew something was coming.

**< recieved> I went to get up earlier, and I realised I have no motivation to do anything whatsoever**

**< recieved> I keep getting these migraines all the time and I've lost so much school because of them**

He ground his teeth anxiously while waiting for the next message. His friend was obviously suffering, and he was completely powerless to help him.

**< recieved> Ike hasn't been seen in 3 days, I'm pretty sure my dad's 2 high to notice and Mom's cracking under the stress**

**< recieved> I h8 the fact that everyone's so fine with my grandma's death, and that they get mad about the fact that I'm finding it a little difficult 2 get over the woman who helped raised me's death**

**< recieved> sometimes...**

The minute gap between his messages pretty much had Kenny screaming. 

**< recieved> sometimes I wonder if I'm even relevant anymore**

Shock hit him like a lorry and he was typing his response back as fast he could before he even had time to think about it.

**< sent> Kyle, srsly, ur one of the most important people in our whole year, who else apart from _W_ _endy_ is gonna stand up to Fatass? Even some of the  _seniors_ know who u are and respect u**

**< recieved> I know that's how u feel, but I still find it hard to believe...**

It was a while before either of them said anything. Kenny sat there drumming his fingers on the side of his old, third-hand phone in anticipation. All of what Kyle had just said...it was terrifyingly familar. 

**< recieved> Kenny...**

It had almost been fifteen minutes by the time the red head texted again, sending a new wave of foreboding over him.

**< recieved> I've been self-harming...**

Time seemed to stand still as Kenny's sleep-deprived brain struggled to fully come to terms with the last message.

_Kyle...wait, Kyle what? Why? Wh-wh-wh...? How? Where? How seriously? Why? Why? Why?_

His hands shook as he tried to think of a reply. What had made his friend suddenly want to cause himself pain? Why had he hurt himself? Why did he hate himself? Kyle was one of the more popular kids at school. Lots of people liked him - hell almost _everyone_ liked him (with the exception of Fatass of course, but he gives a crap about who he likes?).

In the past he had always seemed the most confident of them, not afraid to voice his opinions - determined to be heard no matter what. When he'd got beaten up for not conforming with the latest trends, he'd set out to murder those responsible for the fad in the first place. Kyle had never once seemed to doubt himself. So why-Why-why had he done this?

Kenny gritted his teeth against the worry and tried to think of something to say.

**< sent> Have you cleaned yourself up? Put pressure on it and use anti-septic if you haven't already**

Kenny chewed his lip, concerned about the current state of his friend

**< recieved> I've already done that**

He sighed and looked out the window across the train tracks

**< sent> Kyle**

**< sent> Why...?**

As soon as he'd said he cursed himself for possibly putting any pressure or stress on his friend for having to explain himself. It wasn't any of his business. Of course he wanted Kyle to be ok, but that didn't mean he had a right to go sticking his nose into his business. Also-straight after what his friend had done to himself? Who did he think he was?

But at the same time...

He was worried about him. He just wanted to know if there was any way in which he could help. To stop him from doing this to himself.

**< recieved> I just felt like I had no self worth and everything's just sorta been piling up at the moment**

Kenny sighed and put his head in his hands.

Why? Why did his friend have to feel this way? Why couldn't he see how much everyone needed him? Why did he feel so worthless? 

_Why does he hate himself so much? Why can't I help him? What can I do? Why am I so_ Goddamned  _powerless...?_

These thoughts continued to swirl round his head as he felt a pain somewhere inside. 

_Why does he have to be in pain. I wish I could stop it, I wish I could manifest all of their problems into an easy-to-defeat physical being and_ destroy  _it. It's not fair...why him? Why him too? Why can't I help any of them?_

Kenny gathered himself up and stared at his phone screen before typing a reply. Usually he'd just be quiet and let them rant but he felt like he had to say  _something_. 

**< sent> Kyle please, we all really like you and need you, please don't do this to yourself again, please**

**< sent> Promise me**

**< sent> Well, maybe promisiing is a little difficult, but please please just try not to alright?**

He waited a few moments, anticipation flowing through his veins, befor ehe felt the familiar vibration telling him his friend had replied

**< recieved> Alright I'll try...I don't know if I can, it'll be a bit difficult...but ok**

Kenny sighed in part relief and part sadness as he re-read Kyle's last message. They talked for a bit longer about various things before he decided to call it a night and turn off his phone. 

Outside the storm had calmed down to just a heavy rainfall as he slowly drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

 

 

* * * * * * *

 

"Argh! And now apparently I have to go see a doctor, but I was like 'no Mom! I don't wanna go see a doctor' and she was like 'Stanly, I'm really worried about this, you have to go see a doctor about this and I won't take no for an answer'!"

"Wait - why'd ya have to go see a doctor?"

They were standing outside the lockers at lunch waiting for Butters while he got his stuff out his locker. Kenny'd only been partially paying attention so he honestly had no idea what the hell was going on, or why suddenly another one of his friends had to go to see a doctor. 

_Wait...doctor? As in...NO! NO WAY! Nah I'm just over reacting, It's probably nothing like that...although he had seemed sorta quiet for_ Stan  _lately..._

Stan just rolled his eyes and grabbed his sleeve, pulling him into the boys' bathroom. As soon as the door was just shut he turned to face him and took a deep breath.

"Ok so I was in the car with my dad, and now my parents (or my mom) want me to go see a doctor because I moved my leg up to tie my laces - aaaaaand my dad saw this."

Mini alarm bells went off inside Kenny's head, and as his friend rolled back up his trouser leg, he realised his earlier suspicions had been correct. There were deep cuts and scratchess all across his friend's ankle, criss-crossing and varying in shape, size and tone. Thankfully they were all scabs but they didn't look more than a few days old. 

He suddenly found himself submerged in a completely desolate feeling.

_No. Not you too! Oh please not you too! Goddamn it! WHY?!_

Kenny stepped back horrified at what his other friend had also done. Stan grimaced and they stared at each other for a while, neither really knowing what to say.

"...wh-why...?" his voice was barely more than a whisper as he looked at the raven-haired boy in front of him. The boy in question, however, just smiled sadly and looked at him.

"I've been really suicidal lately, Kenny." and with that, the raven teen turned away and left the bathroom.

Kenny stared at the door for a moments while he collected his thoughts, first Kyle and now Stan...

_Who's fucking next? Cartman? Butters? Craig? Wendy? Who? Goddamnit! Why can't I ever help the people I care about?_

He sighed, defeatedly, before reaching for the door handle and making his way back out into the empty corridor. However, as soon as he stepped out, he immeadiately bumped straight into none other than Kyle.

"Sorry!" he apologised wringing his hands as he helped to steady his friend

"No, no you don't need to apologise Kenny, it was my fault, I was the one not looking where they were going." they both laughed nervously, avoiding the other's gaze for a while. "...heh...I...uh...I guess you wanna see huh?" Kenny nodded and felt the familiar feeling of dread creeping up on him. They both entered the bathroom again, with Kyle checking the cubicles while he locked the door. When he turned round, he was met by his friend pulling down his T-shirt to reveal several long scratches all over his collar bone and shoulder

They were shallower than Stan's, but there were more of them - much more. He took a sharp intake of breath he examined them a little longer, before looking away again to his friend's face. Kyle's face was mostly expessionless, but his eyes betrayed a mixture of conflicting guilt, anxiety, pain and exhaustion. Kenny felt the familar pain he'd felt the night before as he stared into his friend's eyes and learned of his inner turmoil.

_How did you hide it for so long?_  

"Kyle...please...you have to stop doing this, or at least tell us and vent before doing it so we can maybe talk you out of it." But his friend only rolled his eyes and sighed frustratingly at his words.

"It's not that easy Kenny, and anyway, I don't wanna be a burden." he stayed silent as the red head glared at him and then softened. "I don't want you, or anyone to worry."

_I know, but I will anyway, that's just what I do..._

"Look," Kyle continued smiling but distantly, "I'll try and stop ok...It's just not that easy..."

Kenny sighed, that was as good as it was gonna get

"Ok, just...try okay?"

"Okay."

_On the bright side at least he wasn't saying he wants to end it all_ \- he thought as they walked out the bathroom and headed towards the cafeteria where their other friends were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeeeeaaaaah, my spelling's pretty bad, also, I'm really sorry if I pronounce certain words and phrases differently or...(how do I explain this?) Well what I mean is I'm sorry if I keep switching between the British version of certain words and phrases, and the American version.


	4. You fuckin' idiot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How could he have been so...so...so STUPID!?

It felt like ages until the sun finally emerged from the thick covering of storm clouds it had been hiding behind. To Kenny, it came as a blessing. For too long he'd been shivering under too-thin blankets while praying that he wouldn't get struck by lightining again. 

It had felt like ages since he'd been able to talk to any of his friends as the storms had completely wiped out the telephone cables and half the time he'd been too dead to come to school meaning he hadn't heard from a lot of them in ages. 

As he trudged up to the bus stop as usual, he noticed three things. 

One, for once Cartman and Kyle weren't arguing and seemed to be actually getting along

Second, Stan was in his goth get up and looked positively dead inside

' _Uh oh, why'd I get the feeling something big's happened?'_

And thirdly, Stan and Kyle didn't look like they were even  _trying_ to acknowledge eachother - definitely weird for two who were usually literally  _inseperable_

"Kenny! Over here!" The orange clad, bit his lip anxiously before making his way over to his friends

"Hey...what's up with Stan...?" The red head just sighed and rolled his eyes in annoyance as he shot a glance over at the raven haired boy.

"Wendy broke up with him again, he's going through another one of his goth phases..."

"Tch, I can  _hear_ you Kyle."

"Oh whatever Stan, come on dude, there's no point getting all melodramatic and hopeless about it, she broke up with you - get over it and move on."

"How can I move on when my heart feels like it's shattered into a million pieces that I'll never be able to find again." this seemed to piss off the other two boys even more as Cartman turned away and crossed his chubby arms.

"Oh for fuck's sake Hippy! Come on Kyle, Kenny, there's no point trying to talk to him. Let him go hang with his pussy-assed bitch goth friends." Kenny sighed as his friends glared at eachother while waiting for the bus.

' _Great! Just what we fucking need! For fuck's sake you guys!'_

As said yellow school bus pulled up and the four boys got on, he decided to swallow his frustration and make his expression seem as nonchalant as possible. He was lucky that his parka hid most of his face, otherwise someone might have noticed his exasperation. He took his seat next to Stan and sent worried glances at Kyle who only shook his head and crossed his arms in response. This was gonna be a long day.

 

* * * * * * * *

 

"I swear to God, one more day of this and..." The red head trailed off as they looked over at their friend who was currently smoking with the other goth kids. 

"Yeah, the Hippy should just stop being a big pussy and get over that bitch already." Kenny just sighed and looked away sadly. WIth all the things that Stan had revealed recently, he was in the very least, positively terrified of what his friend could be doing, or could have already done, to himself.

' _Da_ _mn it Stan!'_

"I mean, the other night he was texting everyone saying how he was gonna end it all!"

"Wait - what?" his voice however went unnnoticed by his friends who were all in heated discussion about what had apparently happened over the last few days. From what he gathered, Stan's latest gothic episode had been going on for little under a week now and everyone else was sick of it.

"Espescially after what happened with  _you_ Kyle yesterday!" Clyde chimed in, glaring in Stan's direction. 

' _Wait - WHAT?!'_

"I mean, he's acting like a bigger asshole than Craig!" the boy in the Chullo hat just responded by promptly flipping off the fat boy.

"Fuck off fatass."

"Oi don't-!"

"Can someone  _please_ fill me in on what the fuck is going on please?!" Kenny cut in, surprising everyone including himself. It took a few moments a few moments for the group to recover before the meaning to his words finally settled in.

"Oh, right yeah, sorry Kenny," Kyle rubbed the back of his neck as he exchanged glances with the others, "we kinda forgot you'd been AWOL for a while...heh heh..." the boy in the orange parks looked expectantly at his friends as they exchanged more glances. 

' _what the hell aren't they telling me?"_

"Yesterday," the red head continued, "I kinda came close to ending it...but the others were able to talk me out of it and I'm fine,  _see?"_ he opened his arms as if to prove his point.

Kenny just bit his lip and closed his eyes as thoughts wirled through his brain at a million miles an hour.

' _What. The. Fuck.' 'Why, why, why, why, why?' 'I shoulda been there.' 'I was too fucking busy being fucking dead to be there for my friend.' 'why the fuck does one of the best people I know have to do this to himself?' 'why the hell do all the best people have fucking problems?' 'It's not fucking fair.' 'Both you_ and _Stan' 'god fucking damn it!'_

The orange clad teen opened his eyes to look at his friend. Without a second thought, he lunged forwards and enveloped the taller boy in a hug.

"Please, please try to hold on alright. Please try not to do this to yourself. I don't know what any of us do without you." His voice came out barely louder than a whisper as he pulled away.

' _Don't ever fucking scare me like that again, you stupid stupid stupid moron! You fuckin' idiot! How could you be so damn stupid?"_

"I-I'll try...but it's hard you know..." 

' _Don't fuckin' try, do, don't do this to yourself - tell us before you do - vent to us - anything but this!'_

 "Ok...But you have to really try..."

"Ok..."

"..."

"Psssh, when you've quite finished being all faggy together you two-."

"Oh shut up Cartman!" Kyle yelled as he threw a grape at the overweight boy. The rest of them laughed as the two boys resumed their bickering and started attacking eachother again. 

"BOYS!" aaaaaand there right on schedual was the school counselor.

As Kyle and Cartman were dragged off to the counselor's office, the bell went. Suddenly the corridors were jam-packed with students hurrying to their lessons. Kenny sighed smiling tiredly to himself as he also stood up and began to make his way to his next lesson

 

* * * * * * * *

 

"So, anyway, how have you been?" the orange clad boy asked the eldest Broflovski child as they walked down that familiar street on their way home from the bus stop.

"Meh," this wasn't unusual, they all knew that the red head had not been doing so great recently - everytime replying in the same way to the seemingly innocent and care-free question, "but..." oh?, "I told my parents and they've got me a doctor's appointment for next week."

"Sooo..." Kenny swallowed turning to his friend again, biting his fingertip in anxiety as he tried to form the words, "what's that g-gonna mean?" 

"Well..." Kyle turned to him and smiled tiredly, "it means that I'm probably gonna get a diagnosis and then I'll be able to get some help or something."

"What, you mean counseling or something?" the boy in the orange parka asked, eyebrow raising in curiosity.

"Yeah, and also probably some medication or something." 

"Hmm..."

"What?"

"Are you sure a diagnosis is gonna make things better?" Kyle hesitated for a moment before turning towards his friend again and nodding.

"Yeah, I've talked to some of my online friends who have mental health issues and the majority of them all said that getting a diagnosis really helped in getting the right help they needed."

"Oh, ok, well as long as it means that you're gonna get the help that you need then I guess it's alright."

"Yeah!" the red head said nodding, a small smile plastered on his face. Kenny smiled as well and turned to stare up at the sky.

"I guess things're gonna get better now aren't they?"

"Yeah..." Kyle suddenly turned back to the smaller teen, "What about you though? Are you doing okay Kenny?" caught off guard by the question, the boy in the orange parks stuttered for about a moment before regaining his composure.

"Y-yeah of course, why wouldn't I be?" at that the other boy just smiled sadly, as if he knew some awful, tragic truth that  _he_ didn't.

"I don't know..." Kyle suddenly stepped infront of Kenny, blocking his way.

"Ky-?"

"Kenny, you know if anything's ever wrong you can come talk to any one of us, you know that right?"

"Yeah sure Kyle, but what's brought this on all of a sudden?" the taller boy looked away for a moment before turning back to him, sighing.

"Nothing, I just don't want you to suffer alone."

' _Heh, looks like we have similar thoughts after all..."_

"Nah, I'm fine, I don't really have any problems at the moment but thanks anyway."

"Umm, no problem I guess - oh, this is my house - well see ya Kenny!"

"See ya." was all Kenny replied before turning towards the direction of his own house

' _It's nice of you to offer Kyle...but I don't want to be a burden, you've got enough problems as it it...the same goes for everyone else.'_    

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...how can you tell what the truth is, when your brain's clouding whatever reason you had...?

Kenny didn't have problems.

It was as simple as that.

Everything was just absolutely fuckin' perfect behind the McCormicks' front door.

_Right?_

After all, with all the real shit his friends were going through, it would be selfish to even consider the possibility of him having problems. He didn't have them. That was final.

' _but...maybe this that's not true...? - No! I'm just being stupid - great now I'm an idiot and and asshole! Nice one Kenny.'_

If he wasn't too scared of making a sound, he'd probably be banging his head on the wall in frustration. Yeah, he wasn't  _that_ stupid. _W_ _ell..._

Kenny sighed as he curled further in on himself, covering his ears from the deafening roar from the battleground in the kitchen. At least Karen was at a friend's so she wouldn't have to deal with it tonight.

_'They're good people! It's just the alcohol and drugs talking! Besides, this is South Park - literally_ every _adult is of their heads on the shit - it's all there is to do here!'_

A crash resonated through paper-thin walls as another bottle was thrown in anger. He could hear his brother yelling in response to the two other angry voices of their parents. Sometimes Kenny just wished things could be quiet for a change. When things went wrong couldn't they  _not_ yell at eachother - no - it wasn't their faults, it was never their faults.

It was his fault though.

He should've tried harder. Should've hid their drugs and alcohol. Should've taken the beatings. Should've faced them. Should've stopped being a little pussy and stepped up to the mark. Should've stood up to Kevin and never let him fall into the same traps their parents had done. Should've disappeared...

...should've never come back.

But he tried. He worked hard. He got decent grades. He didn't drink or smoke. He tried to make sure that Karen didn't witness the whole of it. He tried to keep out of their way. He tried not to let them down...

...he really tried.

But he knew it wasn't good enough.

"... _WHAT THE HELL WERE...?!"_

_"...LYING SON OF A...!"_

_"...FAULT WE'RE THIS.._.!"

He wished he could stop them from getting angry, to help them. 

It was impossible - he was way too weak to do anything.

".. _.HE CAN'T EVEN...!"_

_"...FAULT IS THAT THEN...?!"_

_"...YOUR SON, YOU...!"_

The pounding of footsteps reverbrated off the walls and floorboards as someone stormed in the direction of his room. He only had to shrink away into the furthest corner before the battered door flew open with a  _bang!_ His brother stood fuming in the doorway for a few moments, before he lunged forwards and went for the small huddled figure in the shadows.

"THIS IS YOUR FAULT YOU WEAK, LITTLE, PIECE OF SHIT!!"

' _Yes...yes it is...'_ the small boy thought as blow after blow was delivered to his torso.

"YOU JUST HAD TO HIDE AWAY IN HERE WHILE I ACTUALLY WENT AND DID SOMETHING!"

' _Yes...yes I did...'_

His brother lent forward to push down his hood and grab a handful of dirty blond hair. Kevin growled as Kenny winched and tried to shrink away again.

"Why the  _fuck_ did I have to get this little pussy of a weirdo as a brother?" He shook the younger boy, earning a yelp, "What the hell did I do huh? Tell me Kenny? WHAT DID I DO!?"

"...Nothing...I'm sorry..." his voice was so small and weak, barely louder than a whisper, and he hated it. The older boy threw the younger teen down on the ground again, before resuming with his assualt. After a while, his temper had died down slightly and he eventually stormed off again, slamming the door as he said he needed a drink.

Kenny was sorry, he really was. He never meant to cause so much trouble, but there wasn't much he could do about that considering he couldn't actuallly end it all. Trust him,  _he'd tried._

Kevin was a great older brother most of the time. Once again it was just the alcohol and the stress talking. That's what having no money caused - stress - and stress caused people to look for coping methods, like drugs and alcohol. If his dad could find other, less destructive ways of coping, then maybe he could get a job, and then things wouldn't be so bad. It wasn't any of their faults, they were good people - they really were. It was just circumstance was a bitch. 

He wasn't the only one that knew that...

Kyle was shaving problems with  _his_ dad's drug addiction and the death of his grandma, Stan's dad was also an alcoholic and Cartman had been beaten by his stepdad when he was younger. 

It was selfish of him to think of what was going on his life as a problem when those he cared about were probably suffering way more. They needed help, or someone to talk to or  _something._ He didn't know how, but he was determined to help them, and for  _that,_ he needed to be strong.

Wincing in pain from where Kevin had kicked and punched him earlier, Kenny slowly picked himself off of the floor and made his way shakily over to the bed. As he yanked the thin blankets over his head, he tried to drown out the sounds of the fight continuing on in the kitchen and the living room. Slowly, the teenager drifted off into an uneasy sleep, still contemplating the issues of his friends...

 

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so I was gonna leave this here...but now I'm not so sure...this is on hold for now, until basically I decide if it's finished or not...  
> But anyway! Thank you for reading this shit!


End file.
